he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
