Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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