She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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