you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
