I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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