She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
