Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
