...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
