I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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