Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
