i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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