it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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