my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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