I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
