dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
