i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
