maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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