i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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