stop calling my apartment porn island.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
