did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
