it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
