I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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