I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
