it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
