Already got asked if we're dating
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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