this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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