Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
