1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
