I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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