this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize