i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
