First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
