got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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