Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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