My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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