Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
