K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
