I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize