I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
