I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
