you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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