i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
