I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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