It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
