My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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