I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
