RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
