So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
