just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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