I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
