I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
