Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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