He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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