Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
