This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
