Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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