have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
