i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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