I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
